“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.” Matthew 5:13
My husband asked me this question in a text a few days ago. When I initially read it, I was tending to our screaming baby so I just kind of brushed it off, assuming he was referring to the slang version of the word ‘salty’ (which, according to Urban Dictionary, means pissed or upset, in case you were wondering) but he wasn’t. Later, we were talking at home and he said, “You never answered the question. Are you salty?” which spawned one of those late night, we should be sleeping but the conversation is too good, talks.
I thought about the question after he had explained what he meant in his next text and I continued to ponder it up til that point. Am I salty? The short answer is I don’t feel salty. The long version is what you’re going to get though, reader.
If you’re new here, know that it’s not my style to be anything but honest, sometimes to a fault. If you’re looking for sugar coating, look elsewhere, hoss, ’cause you won’t be getting any of it on this blog. My life right now is in an adjustment period. I’m overwhelmed with working from home while doing my best to keep our kid alive (so far so good), completing the work for my weekly bible study, maintaining the house, and doing my very best to write in order to cling to the last remaining part of my life before Ellie. It’s a lot. Like… a LOT. I’m doing my best, but I’ve become caught up in the day-to-day and right now, at this very moment, salty is the last adjective I’d use to describe myself.
For the last several Sundays, Ellie & I have stayed home because she was getting over a cold and I kept reading Facebook posts from our church family about a stomach bug they had. The absolute last thing I wanted to deal with was a puking baby on top of her cold, vaccines & colic. Prior to her arrival, I looked forward to Sundays as a time of renewal. Now, it doesn’t matter if I’m there or not because when we do attend, I usually end up having to leave the sanctuary to nurse her or calm her down so she doesn’t disrupt everyone else. The same thing applies to my discipleship group. The ladies are wonderful and so helpful with her, but Mr. Cooper works swing shift, so more often than not, Ellie attends those meetings with me too. She’s precious and all, but good grief she requires a ton of attention and she’s kind of a distraction for me and for all the others in my group. I manage to squeeze in my bible study lessons at home when she’s sleeping and that feels rushed. But I’m still trying!
Even in my general life, I feel reduced sodium at best. For example, Mr. Cooper & I decided to go out this past weekend, and our pint-sized companion tagged along. Everything went surprisingly well up until the end of the night when we went to eat. I held her while I ate and that seemed to be working until, out of nowhere, bleck! Spit up covered her and my pants. She needed a diaper change anyway, so to the bathroom we went despite me only being 3 bites into my pizza. I don’t know who is installing those diaper changing stations (when restaurants and stores actually have them, anyway) but they are not doing a very good job! This one felt like it was 2 inches off the floor, and Ellie was not having the wardrobe change. Ten minutes and 4 knocks from the woman waiting outside later, she had a dry butt and clean clothes, so I loaded up the diaper bag and picked her up to head back outside to our patio seating. As soon as I picked her up, bleck again! She covered my shirt. I apologized to the woman waiting outside the door for taking so long and walked back to the table, fussy baby, spit up covered clothes & all. As soon as I returned, Phillip asks, “Are you ready to go?”
I hadn’t even gotten halfway through my meal.
That’s pretty much what every day is like for me right now, and don’t get me wrong, I love being Ellie’s momma, but it is draining both physically & mentally. I’ve prayed more in the last two months that she’s been alive than my entire life combined. At times, I feel closer to God than I ever have, and other times, I feel nothing at all. As much as I hate to sound like a cliche, truthfully, it’s not Him, it’s me. Nothing is done easily these days and even the simplest tasks like switching over laundry are now drawn out because I’m a mom and that’s how it works. I’m stretched kind of thin right now but I know that this season in my life will pass as quickly as it came. More importantly, I know not to rely on feelings when it comes to my walk with Christ.
I’ve come to compare my relationship with Him to my relationship with my husband. If I only stuck with Phillip on the days we were getting along and life was like a romance novel including those brand new relationship butterflies, we would’ve divorced ages ago. Similarly, I can’t just commit to Christianity on the days that I feel like a brand new Christian. I want to feel close to Him, I just don’t right now and that’s okay because I know that my feelings don’t change the fact that He has never left me. He’s there in the valleys just the same as the peaks, and I believe it’s my attitude in these blah times that really help grow my relationship with God.
Just because I don’t feel a certain way doesn’t mean I stop working at it. After all, raising a child is a 24/7, no breaks ever, service to the Lord and at the very least, I think there’s something to be said for obedience. I’m focusing on being the wife & mother I’m intended to be, and anyone who says that homemaking isn’t a mission is dead wrong. I’m still reading, I’m still praying, I’m still trying and I hope that it’s having some impact with someone out there. And anyway, I’ve been here before. The pumped up feeling returns eventually, just like first date butterflies with my husband. After all, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)
Clearly, this post is more of a reflection for me. A self-check, if you will, but what about you? Are you salty?